Learning to Live Again

I was a people pleaser growing up.

I was the girl who made good grades. In middle school, my mother was a teacher, and so I dare not get into trouble. Around that time, though, I wanted to not be that girl. So I started mini rebelling..."going out" with people I knew my mom didn't like (and by that I mean holding hands). I'd invite boys over on 1/2 days to hang out outside in the back yard, just because I knew I shouldn't (again, all of holding hands). 

Then the SA happened. No, it wasn't as violent as my mind convinced me of for so many decades. But it happened, and I got worse.

Come Junior High, I kept having boyfriends I knew weren't good. Then came the dating more than one guy to play with their emotions. My grades started slipping.

And all the while, my parents didn't notice. I was crying out to be seen.

My parents still saw the good girl. The kind girl. All the things I would do were at school, but not bad enough for teachers to take note. I started making up stories for attention. Honestly, I don't know how or why anyone believed a word I said.

But I wanted attention.

Then high school came. I was in band, and it was a family. I made up stories because my family would listen. I tried to be in the best clique of the family. I finally dated a good guy. I started doing pageants. My parents LOVED it all. FINALLY, I was seen.

Then the good guy dumped me. Not only that, but my friend group all went to his side. Come mid-year, I was alone at school. I was no longer seen. My parents didn't notice. I couldn't open up to them. So I dated another wrong guy. I hid him from everyone. I had to start being friends with underclassmen because the Senior friends abandoned me. The stories came back. The screams for help came back. But they weren't heard. I was still with the boy come prom...but I went with someone else. He ignored me the whole night, hitting on his crush of the moment. I invited another boy to my graduation. He was a good boy, so it made my parents happy that I was with him.

But I wasn't. I was still with the not good guy.

College came. I went because I had to according to my parents. My grades weren't good. I couldn't enjoy courses. I had no direction in life. I took advantage of what little freedoms I gained from being an adult. I grew a little...

Then, as I was ready to leave the not good boy, it happened.

I'm pregnant. 

I had to watch my parents' dreams for me come crashing down. I had to watch my dreams die. I went from almost dumping the not good boy to being married. I didn't want it. But I thought that was the right thing...that's how I was raised.

I wasn't allowed an abortion. I wasn't allowed the thought of adoption. There was only one solution.

I lived in misery. I needed help, but the not good boy wouldn't hear of it. So, during the day I played Mom and wife. One night a week, my friends would invite me out. And I took advantage of it. I was free, if only for 4 hours. I drank the pain away. I would get black out drunk and sleep with some bad boy that didn't care. Then I'd go home and pretend for another week. My voice was gone. I couldn't scream anymore. The cracks started showing.

The not good boy left me. My world crashed. On the one hand, I was free. On the other, my parents and family were so disappointed in me. Divorce was not a word in my family. I did meet someone way too soon after. Thank the Universe he was a good guy. 

However, even he didn't know the pain and suffering I was going through. Around this time, I was diagnosed with depression and Fibromyalgia. I was homeless. I left my son with his dad because I had nothing. I lived in pain every single day. Many nights, while couch surfing (I wasn't allowed to go home to my parents), I came so close to letting the darkness win. I pictured my son growing up without me and being fine.

My grandmother died being upset and disappointed in me. My heart was crushed. I fell into a deeper depression. I almost lost the good guy by sabotaging our relationship. I felt like I was drowning, and I desperately wanted to breathe in the water.

I got a sign to try giving the good guy another chance. He became my rock. He breathed for me when I couldn't move from pain. He encouraged me to get my son back. He was the light I so very needed.

From all this, my body learned bad habits.

I was living two lives.

My body kept all stress and anxiety internally.

My body took on a constant tension.

My body was always on alert for the bad thing to happen.

At 23ish, I had to learn how to live again. I honestly feel that at some point that other girl died. I had to learn how to be a real mom. I had to learn to not sabotage. I had to learn to be a good girlfriend. I had to figure out how to use my heart for good.

I didn't really find my true self again until I was 40. By then, I was married with both my son and daughter by my side. My marriage was wonderful, all things considered. It was as if from 23-40 I was in my cocoon. I was finally able to start caring about me again.

Even today, I still feel 14 sometimes. I am SO blessed that my children are now wonderful adults. My husband and I are still happy all these years later. I know who I am. I know what I believe in.

But the healing continues.

It always will.

Tension

 It always happens

I go into a session for myself with another practitioner for any topic, and I hear, "You're so tense/anxious/stressed." But I don't feel it. In fact, I am pleased that my anxiety has been at bay for quite a while. So, if I can't feel it, how can I know how to fix it or when it is fixed?

That to talk about this

I've been working with my doctor to get off a medication I've been on for a long time. It's a heart medicine. I was on it from when I'd have bad flutters with anxiety. Yesterday was the second day with no medicine in my system.

I woke up feeling anxious. I had a physical therapy appointment, so as I checked in I asked to speak to a nurse. I was feeling so anxious I was wondering if I should get back on the medication for now. 

That, and my age, turned me into a STAT patient. They worried about my heart. I was shaking, but it was an anxious shake. I had pain, but it was my carpel tunnel acting up. I know they had to be better safe than sorry, but I was more annoyed I didn't get to do my PT. I'm doing it so I can get approved for a pain clinic. As I go along, my Fibromyalgia has been getting worse. I just want to be in less pain so I can live more.

This interaction made me think...is the medicine hiding my anxiety? I know for years it gave me really low heart rate and blood pressure. Maybe now that I'm on 1/2 the dose (their suggestion) I'll be able to feel the sensation? The thing is, I am very much not scared to work through it. But I'm not sure how to.

It's so funny to me that I can help others no problem, but me? I'm lost. I cannot/will not rely on others to heal me. They can help, sure. But this is a me thing that I have to figure out. Sometimes it just feels futile--I'll feel like I'm doing the work but don't sense that it's accomplished the end goal. 

Practitioners can feel it, so why can't I? And, is it better to be on medicine that makes me more functional or to be off and feel that feeling until I work through it. I'll say one thing--that feeling was terrible yesterday. My mind wouldn't quiet. My body shook unable to release. And the only thing that helped was that 1/2 dose when I got home.

I know there's a solution. I've just yet to find it.

Feeling Lighter

Hello again

Until yesterday I didn't have much to chat about. That's why I've been quiet. I don't like posting for the sake of posting.

That being said...

I had a session of what is called Soul Touch Therapy. The only way I can describe this is gentle guided stretching with MFR and energy work all swirled into a loving ball of crystalline gold and indigo. At least, that's how I see it.

The session went as usual-her stretching me and sensing why areas were sore or hurting and guiding me to think about the reasons so as to release them. At one point, she heard the phrase "I feel bad." At first, we both attributed that to my grandmother whom is VERY vocal when she's around. We carried on, and when I tell you this is the most relaxing 2 hour span of my life each time...

The practitioner got out the room so I could get dressed and an emotion crashed into me. A thought I hadn't thunk in ages came to me. I had to call her back into the room.

You see, she and I first met at circles at a shop in town. I loved those circles, until I didn't. Towards the end, I felt not connected, almost like an outsider. I knew I didn't vibe well with one person, so I took it as that. However, I also took it as my now practitioner having something to do with it. Like I told her, I put her into the same space/bubble as the other person, and that was so wrong of me. 

It was a telling moment for me. I had to step WAY out of my comfort zone, use that throat chakra like I own that bitch, and release. She could have gotten mad. She could have said I couldn't see her anymore. But she was so kind and understood. She said I didn't have to even bring it up, but yes I did. My soul needed the release.

I have been working on my lower chakras so long now. The higher chakras are so much fun to live and experience in. But I put off the fact that I am a soul here on Earth to learn and grow sometimes. I need to focus more on that.

And do you know what helped the last couple days? Her reaction.

The immense feel of release.

The joy and bliss that interaction came with means so much. It's definitely a defining moment I hope to keep and cherish.

Admit when you're wrong. Admit to judging people incorrectly. You never know how much you need to let go until you do.

3d Too Thick for Me

 Let me start off by saying that I have no real ability to describe the difference in the different dimensions/frequencies/levels of consciousness. At least, no words that would be of my own. All I know is that I travel through various levels at various times. 

3D is my least favorite.

3D is considered the "what you see is what you get" level. Like, if you're not a spiritualist and think this life is it, you stay at 3D most often in life. And, for some people, that's fine. People are comfortable there and even have happy and fulfilling lives. And, until I started this journey, I lived most of my life there. But I lived in a state of sadness and depression. Everything felt heavier. Even the smallest thing could cause me to sob at any given moment. So, finding the belief that there was so much more to existence became a lifeline for me.

Now, yesterday...yesterday sucked.

I could just feel the weight of being at a lower frequency than my normal baseline of now. I tried getting out of the funk, but the more I tried the harder it felt. 

I was stuck in 3D

And that happens sometimes. Sometimes there are just days that are going to be a challenge. And you won't always pass the challenge. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I cried for such little things. Things that on most days don't even make a blip on my radar. My breath felt heavy. My desire felt squashed. My whole body felt like it was holding up a boulder. With each attempt with my tools I've learned on my journey to get me back to base, I felt worse. By the evening, when I admitted that it was a bad mental health day to my husband, I sobbed. I couldn't do anything else. I needed the release. I needed to say the negative things out loud so I could hear them and know they weren't true. I went to bed thinking I had let him down somehow. 

And today? Today the feeling is still kind of here. But I'm working on it, and it is helping. I woke up with gratitude. I did a mini session with my instruments. I'm flooding my senses with music that are on healing frequencies. Even though the cloud isn't totally past, I can see the rays of light breaking through. 

Why do I tell you this?

Because it's a reminder. Spirituality isn't all rainbows and sunshine. Your problems of the "old/asleep" you don't just go away because you learn to meditate or use crystals in your daily life. We are spiritual beings having a human experience...but we are still, in this present, human. And humans have a huge range of emotions and feelings. And the lesson here, dear friend, is to allow yourself to be in the human experience when it calls upon you. If I would have forced myself to "get over it" or ignore it, it would have been worse. I've caused days of grief and struggle doing that to myself in the past. 

I made it through the rough day. I loved myself through the heaviness that carried into this morning. I continued to use my tools to love myself through. I find comfort in the fact that this sensation is SO much fewer and farther in between than it once was. 

Healing

  Healing is so weird, especially when working on yourself.

I'm not just talking the physical healing. It's the mental and emotional, too. It's the ancestral trauma that has followed many lives and lines. It's the bad stuff that happened in this life that we chose to not yet work through. There's so much to healing yourself, it can get a bit heavy.

But it is SO worth it.

I've been working on these many things for a few years now. Each time there is a breakthrough it feels as if I can breathe a little easier.

And how do I know it's working?

Well, one sign is my memories of my childhood are starting to reappear. 

For most of my adult life, if I didn't have a picture to look at, I don't remember my early childhood. Even with pictures, I just relay the stories I've been told with them. Lately, however, more and more actual organic memories have been surfacing. Memories of playing. Memories of friends. Memories of getting in trouble, my first failure, my first trying something to see if I got caught. Those are instances where a camera wasn't around. Yet I can now sense them. After being in the dark for so long, it is an amazing feeling to be able to go back to these.

And what a concept! With so many threads and timelines intermingling in an infinite amount of ways, I still have those memories. I truly thought not knowing was just going to be my normal. 

However it isn't all sunshine. I now have to do more work to get through the things that caused the lapse in memories. I have to face harsh truths about self-inflicted traumas and the reality that I so desperately tried to hide. My whole life since the 7th grade was a lie. It was all to cover truths I hated about myself. It was a negative form of self transformation. It is difficult to face the fact that the reason I had no true friends was because I was so untrue to everyone--family, friends, and mostly myself.

Looking back as a fully formed adult, I can see that it all was a scream for help. Screams that were vastly ignored or misinterpreted. Help that I didn't know how to ask for. Emotions that I didn't understand, and I couldn't communicate to others. I now have many chats with my inner child of teenage years, reminding her that she is loved, safe, and got the help she needed, though for many years too late.

As I grow older, I often reflect on the fact that that phase in life is no longer "most of my life" anymore. My young childhood plus my healing adulthood now takes up more space in this life span. And that gives me a form of comfort that I've always needed.

Motivation and Drive

 Those two words-motivation and dtrive-have never meant much to me. 

I've been sitting with that lately. I don't know if I've ever had either. And I'm not sure why. Everyone says I should be busting my ass to get my name out there. I should be hanging flyers. I should be using platforms to be seen.

But you know what?

I don't want to.

I piddled around with the thought of platforms. But I feel so inauthentic, no matter how "me" I try to be. And I don't want to feel that anymore. I made a few flyers, but never printed them. So, of course, that brings me to why?

I have never had much motivation or drive. I mean Hell, I want to lose weight, but the pain exercise brings halts me. And no, if I keep going it doesn't get better. I want to find people that I can help on their healing and spiritual journey. But how am I supposed to be seen by those people if they don't know I exist?

IS there something "wrong" with me? Is there a spot in my brain that doesn't fire right? It's not fear. I'm not scared to put myself out there and still no one sees me...kinda been there done that don't care.

I don't want to be famous or an influencer. I don't want to have to keep posting the whole "Hey! I'm here!" game. But again, that's a double-edged sword. 

I do shadow work with my younger self a LOT. But even on those journeys, I can't find a time I was really motivated. However, I also can't find a reason. I asked Siri how one can find or learn motivation and drive. She said things I already do. Apparently the tools are there. I just don't know how to use them properly I suppose.