Tension

 It always happens

I go into a session for myself with another practitioner for any topic, and I hear, "You're so tense/anxious/stressed." But I don't feel it. In fact, I am pleased that my anxiety has been at bay for quite a while. So, if I can't feel it, how can I know how to fix it or when it is fixed?

That to talk about this

I've been working with my doctor to get off a medication I've been on for a long time. It's a heart medicine. I was on it from when I'd have bad flutters with anxiety. Yesterday was the second day with no medicine in my system.

I woke up feeling anxious. I had a physical therapy appointment, so as I checked in I asked to speak to a nurse. I was feeling so anxious I was wondering if I should get back on the medication for now. 

That, and my age, turned me into a STAT patient. They worried about my heart. I was shaking, but it was an anxious shake. I had pain, but it was my carpel tunnel acting up. I know they had to be better safe than sorry, but I was more annoyed I didn't get to do my PT. I'm doing it so I can get approved for a pain clinic. As I go along, my Fibromyalgia has been getting worse. I just want to be in less pain so I can live more.

This interaction made me think...is the medicine hiding my anxiety? I know for years it gave me really low heart rate and blood pressure. Maybe now that I'm on 1/2 the dose (their suggestion) I'll be able to feel the sensation? The thing is, I am very much not scared to work through it. But I'm not sure how to.

It's so funny to me that I can help others no problem, but me? I'm lost. I cannot/will not rely on others to heal me. They can help, sure. But this is a me thing that I have to figure out. Sometimes it just feels futile--I'll feel like I'm doing the work but don't sense that it's accomplished the end goal. 

Practitioners can feel it, so why can't I? And, is it better to be on medicine that makes me more functional or to be off and feel that feeling until I work through it. I'll say one thing--that feeling was terrible yesterday. My mind wouldn't quiet. My body shook unable to release. And the only thing that helped was that 1/2 dose when I got home.

I know there's a solution. I've just yet to find it.