Together we heal

 Have I, up to this point, blocked my ability to be seen by those I can help?

That thought crossed my path yesterday when I was working on those shadows that presented themselves lately.

And the answer I got was a resounding 'yes.'

I spoke the speak. But I haven't been authentically walking the walk. Not on purpose...up until getting off these mood blocking medicines, I thought I was there. I was ready. I was eager. And I just had to be patient.

Well, I do still have to be patient. 

But I had a spiral the other day of self doubt and lack of self worth. Boy, was that a dive down the rabbit hole for me. And I'm still working on it. And I will be for a long while...

But I also know something else.

When I work with others, I feel healing myself. I center. I balance. I get a sense of calm I cannot explain. I'm going to be healing for a long time--but that's kinda the point. I have to find the balance of healing the healer and using the knowledge of that feeling to help others.

I went to my doctor today. She asked if I wanted to get back on a depression/anxiety medicine.

Without hesitation, my Soul said no. 

True, the past couple of weeks have been hard as hell. I've sobbed, felt anxiety I haven't felt in ages, and reentered shadows that I haven't quite lit up enough yet. But I also feel so much more alive when I'm doing the work. I've journaled and worked through things I never thought was still affecting me. 

And a funny moment just then? When I was going to write 'hard as hell' in that paragraph, my Higher Self put happy. And it made me smile. It shows me that I'm making the right choices. 

I woke up today with clear paths to stride through. Not stride--dance. I've been doing a lot of that lately. True, I am here for when people are ready for me (and I for them). But I am also finally coming to the steps I want to do to be seen. I even set up my scheduling online. I am making myself go to a spiritual show tomorrow. I prepaid for a ticket so I wouldn't back out. I'm going to bring my cards and talk to people and mingle and interact and soak it all in. I'm going as Jennifer, and the beautiful mess that I am. I still have moments that I don't know who that is. But I love and accept myself anyway. 

For the first time today in weeks, I breathed.  I inhaled. I exhaled. I smiled. And I got the feeling of being here. I am called. And I am loved.

Ah, how I missed this feeling.