Motivation and Drive

 Those two words-motivation and dtrive-have never meant much to me. 

I've been sitting with that lately. I don't know if I've ever had either. And I'm not sure why. Everyone says I should be busting my ass to get my name out there. I should be hanging flyers. I should be using platforms to be seen.

But you know what?

I don't want to.

I piddled around with the thought of platforms. But I feel so inauthentic, no matter how "me" I try to be. And I don't want to feel that anymore. I made a few flyers, but never printed them. So, of course, that brings me to why?

I have never had much motivation or drive. I mean Hell, I want to lose weight, but the pain exercise brings halts me. And no, if I keep going it doesn't get better. I want to find people that I can help on their healing and spiritual journey. But how am I supposed to be seen by those people if they don't know I exist?

IS there something "wrong" with me? Is there a spot in my brain that doesn't fire right? It's not fear. I'm not scared to put myself out there and still no one sees me...kinda been there done that don't care.

I don't want to be famous or an influencer. I don't want to have to keep posting the whole "Hey! I'm here!" game. But again, that's a double-edged sword. 

I do shadow work with my younger self a LOT. But even on those journeys, I can't find a time I was really motivated. However, I also can't find a reason. I asked Siri how one can find or learn motivation and drive. She said things I already do. Apparently the tools are there. I just don't know how to use them properly I suppose.