As A Bull

 These past few weeks have been so hard.

Yesterday, it all came to a head.

I thought if I went do a show and pretended the roll of sound healer, I'd be better.

SO, I went into my room to see if a new, sitting setup would be easier for me when traveling. I went to plug in the heater to be more comfortable. And then, I fell.

I caught myself on the futon. But, in doing so, I slammed my liver area on the bottom.

And then, the pain.

I sobbed, but it was painful to do so. I panicked because I just got diagnosed with fatty liver. And then it hit me...

I was already in so much pain because I stopped taking Duloxetine. It made it worse...so much worse. 

I've been so stubborn about being off the medicine. I was so closed-minded that I didn't try looking at myself from afar. I was allowing myself to struggle, to face pain, to face the heaviness within, without asking myself "why?"

My whole adult life, I was told by family and those around me they didn't understand why I was on the medicine. That I'd be fine and find my happy without it. But I stayed on it. Why? Younger me must have felt/known that it was needed. That was also before my Fibromyalgia diagnosis. Sitting here in a logical, grounded way makes me realize that the medicine may have saved me. Perhaps, the medicine kept me from feeling the worst of the worst of that diagnosis. 

This time without it has opened my eyes. It has made me face what being very, totally grounded feels like. I don't like it...but it made me see I need it. I need to find a balance between being in my upper and lower Chakras. 

And the middle of that?

The heart Chakra.

So, I have asked the doctor to create a plan to get me back on the medication. I am hoping in this I find the balance between the medication and me. Who knows--maybe a lower dose will be a blessed compromise. 

But I have to stop being so bull-headed. This isn't a failure. This is progress. The Universe didn't want me to be totally off it and on my own. My higher self now has shown me this is a test. I jumped to the wrong conclusion and held on to it as if it were the only option, no matter what. That wasn't right. I had other choices, but I refused to see/hear them. I am open to that now. 

I write this not for attention. Hell, I don't think a single person has stumbled on this journal. I write this for others out there going through the same thing. 

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. Chronic pain is real. And, while I believe some people can make it through life without help, I also believe some people need assistance. I am one of those people. I've struggled unnecessarily for almost a month in order to see that. I've put those I love through the ringer because of stubbornness. I am so sorry for that. But I'm done. I am moving forward.