As A Bull

 These past few weeks have been so hard.

Yesterday, it all came to a head.

I thought if I went do a show and pretended the roll of sound healer, I'd be better.

SO, I went into my room to see if a new, sitting setup would be easier for me when traveling. I went to plug in the heater to be more comfortable. And then, I fell.

I caught myself on the futon. But, in doing so, I slammed my liver area on the bottom.

And then, the pain.

I sobbed, but it was painful to do so. I panicked because I just got diagnosed with fatty liver. And then it hit me...

I was already in so much pain because I stopped taking Duloxetine. It made it worse...so much worse. 

I've been so stubborn about being off the medicine. I was so closed-minded that I didn't try looking at myself from afar. I was allowing myself to struggle, to face pain, to face the heaviness within, without asking myself "why?"

My whole adult life, I was told by family and those around me they didn't understand why I was on the medicine. That I'd be fine and find my happy without it. But I stayed on it. Why? Younger me must have felt/known that it was needed. That was also before my Fibromyalgia diagnosis. Sitting here in a logical, grounded way makes me realize that the medicine may have saved me. Perhaps, the medicine kept me from feeling the worst of the worst of that diagnosis. 

This time without it has opened my eyes. It has made me face what being very, totally grounded feels like. I don't like it...but it made me see I need it. I need to find a balance between being in my upper and lower Chakras. 

And the middle of that?

The heart Chakra.

So, I have asked the doctor to create a plan to get me back on the medication. I am hoping in this I find the balance between the medication and me. Who knows--maybe a lower dose will be a blessed compromise. 

But I have to stop being so bull-headed. This isn't a failure. This is progress. The Universe didn't want me to be totally off it and on my own. My higher self now has shown me this is a test. I jumped to the wrong conclusion and held on to it as if it were the only option, no matter what. That wasn't right. I had other choices, but I refused to see/hear them. I am open to that now. 

I write this not for attention. Hell, I don't think a single person has stumbled on this journal. I write this for others out there going through the same thing. 

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. Chronic pain is real. And, while I believe some people can make it through life without help, I also believe some people need assistance. I am one of those people. I've struggled unnecessarily for almost a month in order to see that. I've put those I love through the ringer because of stubbornness. I am so sorry for that. But I'm done. I am moving forward. 

Together we heal

 Have I, up to this point, blocked my ability to be seen by those I can help?

That thought crossed my path yesterday when I was working on those shadows that presented themselves lately.

And the answer I got was a resounding 'yes.'

I spoke the speak. But I haven't been authentically walking the walk. Not on purpose...up until getting off these mood blocking medicines, I thought I was there. I was ready. I was eager. And I just had to be patient.

Well, I do still have to be patient. 

But I had a spiral the other day of self doubt and lack of self worth. Boy, was that a dive down the rabbit hole for me. And I'm still working on it. And I will be for a long while...

But I also know something else.

When I work with others, I feel healing myself. I center. I balance. I get a sense of calm I cannot explain. I'm going to be healing for a long time--but that's kinda the point. I have to find the balance of healing the healer and using the knowledge of that feeling to help others.

I went to my doctor today. She asked if I wanted to get back on a depression/anxiety medicine.

Without hesitation, my Soul said no. 

True, the past couple of weeks have been hard as hell. I've sobbed, felt anxiety I haven't felt in ages, and reentered shadows that I haven't quite lit up enough yet. But I also feel so much more alive when I'm doing the work. I've journaled and worked through things I never thought was still affecting me. 

And a funny moment just then? When I was going to write 'hard as hell' in that paragraph, my Higher Self put happy. And it made me smile. It shows me that I'm making the right choices. 

I woke up today with clear paths to stride through. Not stride--dance. I've been doing a lot of that lately. True, I am here for when people are ready for me (and I for them). But I am also finally coming to the steps I want to do to be seen. I even set up my scheduling online. I am making myself go to a spiritual show tomorrow. I prepaid for a ticket so I wouldn't back out. I'm going to bring my cards and talk to people and mingle and interact and soak it all in. I'm going as Jennifer, and the beautiful mess that I am. I still have moments that I don't know who that is. But I love and accept myself anyway. 

For the first time today in weeks, I breathed.  I inhaled. I exhaled. I smiled. And I got the feeling of being here. I am called. And I am loved.

Ah, how I missed this feeling.

Mourning

 That is the word that rang in my head this morning.

I've been on the verge of sobbing for the smallest things. I watched a performance of the OG cast of Les Mis singing "One Day More" and I sobbed. 

I watch shows and sob. It's a new and crazy feeling.

However, I almost remember being like this before.

Then I sat here, wondering what is causing this. And the word?

Mourning.

I feel as though I am mourning things I missed out by being so much of a people pleaser/trauma survival mode liver until this point.

Les Mis reminds me that I didn't follow my passion and love of theatre. That wasn't a road I could journey down and make my parents proud.

The dramas I'm crying over show suppressed women, not able to be themselves, speak for themselves, and stand up for themselves.

It seems to me that being on depression/anxiety medicine for so long has kept me from FEELING these things. The emotional releases weren't able to be seen/felt.

I couldn't be a theatre geek. I couldn't be openly bi. I couldn't admit to my gifts that I knew about long before I showed. I couldn't live in the honest truth out of fear. 

I went to a meetup of healers from the community Tuesday. I felt alone. I felt unauthentic when I introduced myself. Not because of who I was surrounded by. More because the words coming out of my mouth didn't sound right. I don't know how to introduce myself or explain what my gifts are. The other women flowed so easily. I felt I was speaking through mud.

I got high for the first time since getting home from LA yesterday. I felt a moment of lightness again. The same feeling I had more often than not before getting off medicine. Maybe that's it? Maybe I'm way more grounded than before. I'm not used to being so grounded. Being so makes my physical pain more real. The medicine also had pain relief benefits. I miss living a bit above the norm.

On the other hand, I don't want to have to smoke every day to feel this. I want it to return to being more natural. Maybe it isn't the medicine, or lack thereof, after all. What if it's just a residual effect of being in LA for so long? I've long said it feels as if there's a dome around me when there, lessening/muting my gifts.

Happenings of Late

 The past month or so has been hectic to say the least.

Let's break it down...

I went to Louisiana to visit family for two weeks. The travel there was horrible--I'll spare you the details. The visit was great. However, I forgot one of the most important medicines at home--my happy pill. And, by the time the doctor FINALLY sent in an emergency script, I had already done the worst of the detox. I've decided, at least until my next appointment, I'm not taking them anymore. Sure, I've had moments of crying for what I deem as no reason. And my anxiety has shown its face again. But it isn't unmanageable. Heck, I haven't killed anyone yet, so that's a positive sign!!

Anytime I go "home" I feel stuck. I've felt the sense of a dome being around me there. My messages from Source fade. My sense of empath dull. Sure, I feel more of a presence of my ancestors. However, I also feel a distance at the same time, if that makes sense. I had no desire to see extended family. I put out there that if people wanted to see me they just needed to let me know, but not a single one responded. And I'm okay with that. I'm not sure if that's growth or stubbornness. I'm hoping it's growth.

I met my hubby's Godchild/our nephew. We actually met two new nephews from since we left. Then, my hubby shocked me...

We have been chatting about moving closer to the south for more access to the nephews. Well, the Saturday after we arrived he put an offer down on land while I was napping! And the most shocking part? I think we actually are getting it.

I did have to go to a Catholic mass for my hubby's Godson's christening. That was interesting. I didn't like the priest. He was sounding more like "he" is the savior of souls rather than the "He" the Catholics preach of. But it was nice seeing my hubby connect with our nephew in such a deep way.

Getting home was much easier. I think after the insanity going, it was a sign of smooth sailing coming back.

Since the adventure, it's been slow-going getting back to normal. There's more what if's now because of the land. That's stressful. I am slowly getting back to my instruments. I missed them so. I'm working on a million travel insurance forms. We spend SO much more on travel than necessary. This trip made me lose a lot of faith in one of the few airlines that fly out of Fargo. Yet, we have so much travel already booked, we don't have much of a choice.

This is all a reality check for me. I have trouble staying grounded, and boy is this teaching me to focus more on it. I just hope having to focus on 3D things doesn't last too long--I miss my connection to my guides and source. They're there-I can sense them. But I can tell they're waiting for me to be fully ready again.