Mourning

 That is the word that rang in my head this morning.

I've been on the verge of sobbing for the smallest things. I watched a performance of the OG cast of Les Mis singing "One Day More" and I sobbed. 

I watch shows and sob. It's a new and crazy feeling.

However, I almost remember being like this before.

Then I sat here, wondering what is causing this. And the word?

Mourning.

I feel as though I am mourning things I missed out by being so much of a people pleaser/trauma survival mode liver until this point.

Les Mis reminds me that I didn't follow my passion and love of theatre. That wasn't a road I could journey down and make my parents proud.

The dramas I'm crying over show suppressed women, not able to be themselves, speak for themselves, and stand up for themselves.

It seems to me that being on depression/anxiety medicine for so long has kept me from FEELING these things. The emotional releases weren't able to be seen/felt.

I couldn't be a theatre geek. I couldn't be openly bi. I couldn't admit to my gifts that I knew about long before I showed. I couldn't live in the honest truth out of fear. 

I went to a meetup of healers from the community Tuesday. I felt alone. I felt unauthentic when I introduced myself. Not because of who I was surrounded by. More because the words coming out of my mouth didn't sound right. I don't know how to introduce myself or explain what my gifts are. The other women flowed so easily. I felt I was speaking through mud.

I got high for the first time since getting home from LA yesterday. I felt a moment of lightness again. The same feeling I had more often than not before getting off medicine. Maybe that's it? Maybe I'm way more grounded than before. I'm not used to being so grounded. Being so makes my physical pain more real. The medicine also had pain relief benefits. I miss living a bit above the norm.

On the other hand, I don't want to have to smoke every day to feel this. I want it to return to being more natural. Maybe it isn't the medicine, or lack thereof, after all. What if it's just a residual effect of being in LA for so long? I've long said it feels as if there's a dome around me when there, lessening/muting my gifts.